Sunday, September 7, 2014

This and That

I find myself with roughly 15 minutes of free time to blog and I don't have much to say. Life is hectic and stressful. We are trying our best of course but sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling I could be doing more. I have to stop and ask myself if I'm being lazy or is this how every other mother of four would handle this situation. I feel like I should be cooking more, cleaning more, doing laundry more often, organizing everything, eating better, hitting the gym and about a billion other things.
But then (luckily) as soon as my head starts to spin any number of things can happen that snap me right out of it.  A gummy smile from Wes. Audrey's sleepy head resting on my shoulder. Erin's insistence that I MUST watch Peppa Pig with her or maybe Evan will say a quick unprompted "I love you" as he passes through the room.  So maybe I'm not doing absolutely everything that I could be doing. And I am ok with that.
Right now as I type this post one handed I hold my sweet nearly 5 month old Audrey in my arms. She just woke up crying and maybe the pre-twins me would have given her the pacifier and left her in her crib to possibly go back to sleep, possibly cry a little more. The post twin me wants to freeze this moment forever. Holding her, listening to her sweet baby breathes, feeling her warmth and drinking in every ounce of her. It reminds me of this quote:

"A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. 
You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world. 

But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. 

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. 

So instead you rock by the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. 

You heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. She's the one you can't put down."
.Barbara Kingsolver.

I still can't think about not having more babies. I know I'm done. I know. But I would have 10 more if i could.